FortuneCookies - The Fellowship of Hobbyist Programmers

"Computers are useless. They can only give you answers." - Pablo Picasso.
"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning." - Rich Cook.
"Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer." -- Rita May Brown.
"All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men." -- Isaac Asimov.
"To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer." -- Paul Ehrlich.
"The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity." -- Patrick Murray.
"Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers." -- Leonard Brandwein.
"UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity." -- Dennis Ritchie.
"The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again." -- Al Goodman.
"The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit." -- Eric Porterfield.
"The best way to prepare [to be a programmer] is to write programs, and to study great programs that other people have written. In my case, I went to the garbage cans at the Computer Science Center and I fished out listings of their operating systems." -- Bill Gates
"Microsoft Products are Generally Bug Free" -- Bill Gates
"Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Computers are from hell."
"Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors." -- From the Jargon File.
"Hardware /nm./: the part of the computer that you can kick."
"SUPERCOMPUTER: what it sounded like before you bought it."
"If it's really a supercomputer, how come the bullets don't bounce off when I shoot it ?" -- The Covert Comic.
"Real men don't use backups, they post their stuff on a public ftp server and let the rest of the world make copies." -- Linus T.
"RAM /abr./: Rarely Adequate Memory."
"The only thing more dangerous than a hardware guy with a code patch is a programmer with a soldering iron."
"There is nothing that a kick in the balls or a pressure on reset won't solve."
"A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light"
"Anti-glare screens to prevent eye strain ??? In my day, you didn't need an anti-glare screen. With the power they consumed, when you turned your computer on, the whole building darkened !" -- Simon Travaglia (the B.O.F.H.).
"DOS computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form." -- New York Times, November 26, 1991.
"The best accelerator available for a Mac is one that causes it to go at 9.81 m/s2."
"You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on."
"Memory is like an orgasm. It's a lot better if you don't have to fake it." -- Seymore Cray, on virtual memory.
"Want to come see my HARD DRIVE ? I promise it isn't 3.5 inches and it ain't floppy." -- Geek pick-up line.
"Programmer /n./ A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects."
"Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender: 'Bartender, I'll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?&4ru!2[sACC~ErJ'. The second string says: 'Pardon my friend, he isn't NULL terminated'."
"Vampireware /n/, a project, capable of sucking the lifeblood out of anyone unfortunate enough to be assigned to it, which never actually sees the light of day, but nonetheless refuses to die."
"Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !"
"Data expands to fill the space available for storage" -- Parkinson's Law of Data.
"A computer program does what you tell it to do, not what you want it to do." Greer's Third Law.
"Reverse Polish Notation: A method of price justification for expensive calculators."
"If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization." -- Weinberg's Second Law.
"Programmers are tools for converting caffeine into code."
"I mean, if 10 years from now, when you are doing something quick and dirty, you suddenly visualize that I am looking over your shoulders and say to yourself: 'Dijkstra would not have liked this', well that would be enough immortality for me." -- Edsgar W. Dijkstra (1930-2002).
"Linux is only free if your time is worthless." -- Anonymous.
"Profanity is the one language all programmers know best."
"It's 5.50 a.m.... Do you know where your stack pointer is ?"
"I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife."
"In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be indented six feet downward and covered with dirt." -- Blair P. Houghton.
"C is quirky, flawed, and an enormous success." -- Dennis M. Ritchie.
"The C Programming Language A language which combines the flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language."
"The more I C, the less I see."
"Unix is the answer, but only if you phrase the question very carefully."
"Unix is user-friendly. It's just very selective about who its friends are."
"UNIX: It's not just 'User-Unfriendly', it's 'Proactively User-Hostile' !"
"C++: Hard to learn and built to stay that way."
"Java is, in many ways, C++--." Michael Feldman.
UNIX = EUNUCHS, or a castrated multics
"C++ : Where friends have access to your private members." -- Gavin Russell Baker.
"In C++ it's harder to shoot yourself in the foot, but when you do, you blow off your whole leg." -- Bjarne Stroustrup.
"The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should therefore be regarded as a criminal offense." -- E.W. Dijkstra (1930-2002).
"In the good old days physicists repeated each other's experiments, just to be sure. Today they stick to FORTRAN, so that they can share each other's programs, bugs included." -- E.W. Dijkstra (1930-2002).
"Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it."
"Don't forget, if you love life, life will love you back. Now isn't that the sweetest thing you ever heard!" -- EA Sports NHL 2002 presenter.